Drain Bramage

more aloneness tomorrow to look forward to. I get to spend the whole afternoon, early evening alone with Matthew by myself because Steven says he can't sleep and wants to nap with his cunt. Yeah right. tell us another one grandpa. What he really means is he is hoping to get lucky.

I suppose he might as well. We don't have sex anymore. Just me jacking him off. Whoopee. Roommates with benefits is the best I get to have I suppose. Maybe after I am working and bringing in enough to support Matt and I, I will give him ultimatum. Her or me. Us or'them' No more of this We shit. I am soooo over it.

Even though I still don't believe a word he tells me re her. *snickering*

I am hurting today, and very tired, so it is probably not a good idea to delve too deeply into things that cause stress and emtotional turmoil. I will write more when he goes back to work on Wed. Ciao- G

Cris was his friend first, then he introduced me to her. He explained to me that she was struggling from her experiences over in Iraq, and that she had just found out her husband had had an affair. Supposedly she was very upset by it. We started emailing each other daily, and I was very supportive of her. I sent care packages to her, and talked to her about our family and our life. I invited her to spend the holidays with us when she returned, and told her that if she needed a place to stay, she was welcome to share our daughter's room. She never once mentioned the fact that she had been balling my husband for months by that time. Neither did he.

When Steven finally came home, I was so happy. It had been such a difficult year. And he waits until the day Laura left for school, three days after he returned home, to tell me that he was in love with another woman. I didn't even know what to say. I know I probably looked like a damn fish gasping for air, because it felt like he had sucker punched me in the diaphragm. I managed to ask him if he wanted to divorce me, and he told me that he loved me, too. That he thought we could all live together in a happy-poly- amorous-puppy-pile. Then, before I could even catch my breath, or try and figure out what he meant, he told me that if I said I wasn't comfortable with it, it was the death knell of our marriage anyway. Because he would resent me so much that he'd leave me.

I might have been able to accept her if I had been given the truth early on by one or both of them. But neither of them gave me the chance to say "Yea or Nay", or the courtesy of being allowed to form my own thoughts and opinions on the topic. They both said that I "gave him permission to do it" by telling him once, right after the chow hall bombing, that if he had had sex after a tragedy like that, I would understand it. It sometimes takes a life-affirming act to help get over something so traumatic". A rationalization as big and broad as the Grand Canyon, in my opinion.

I still struggle with this. We still have some major trust issues that we are working on. I am not dead set agaisnt a poly-amorous lifestyle. I am however, against the lying and cheating that they did, and then dragged into my life, too. I am against her in my life in anyway that connects the two of them together. I do not, nor will I ever be able to trust that their relationship is safe. I will never fully accept her into my life. I cannot stand her, and think she is nothing more than a sloppy vagina with teeth. Because to this day, she has refused any responsibility in the situation or relationship by placing the weight of it on my shoulders. "If you wanted me to leave him alone, I would have. All you had to do was say something". Why should I be ther one to state the obvious? If I was ok with it, she never would've had to say it! GRRRRRR I will never be able to fully trust him while he is with her. And that is the bottom line, I guess. I imagine it will take years for the hurt to go, and for trust to be rebuilt. If it ever can. *sigh*

I have been collecting for quite awhile now the lies my husband has been telling me about his mistress. I don't know what I am going to do with them. Maybe I should just get rid of them...but I still don't trust him when it comes to her. She is so like his mother emotionally. She snaps her fingers, and there he goes, panting and wagging his tail like a stupid puppy. "Sit S, sit!" and he does. "Come boy, come!", and there he goes. *sigh* He refuses to see it, but it is there. It frightens me. What chance do I have against someone half my age, who acts like his mother? Even with 23 years of marriage under my belt? He says I have nothing to worry about. Yeah Right Ed. Like I believe that. Like any woman would.

I have to go drink some coffee. This is giving me a headache.

ttfn

I think I will use this journal to explore my feelings and reactions to my husband's infidelity, his mistress, and their relationship. Yeah. I think this could help me maybe deal better with my emotions and anger. At least I hope so.

I obviously still have some major issue-idge here, since my fisrt three tries at writing about this started with "She is such a manipulating bitch.." *laughing* I am trying to keep this about me. Not her and her morals and character. (Or lack thereof).

I struggle with ugly emotions I am actually ashamed of having. Jealousy, hate, disgust, humiliation, terror of abandonment, guilt, rage...and many of these are directed at myself. Why?! That is one of the things I hope to come to understand by writing about them.

Wow. This is harder than I thought it would be. I have started, and then erased what I have written 4 times already, and it is only my first real post about it. Maybe if I pick just one piece of it apart at a time, I can really do it, and maybe, just maybe, heal my heart.

Once upon a time In a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am.

And then my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother. Where you can prepare meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself...

I don't fucking think so.